Aug 15, 2012

DISCUSSION: 5 Things I'd Rather Do Than Relax My Hair

I spent some time helping my cousin not go back to the "creamy crack" by giving her an awesome twist-out. She's transitioning and said a relaxer was calling her so I swooped in and saved the day. But that's another post. Anyway, I began to think about my transition period and how now I'm pretty convinced that I'd never go back to relaxed hair. I mean... there is SO much more that I can do with my time. Scalp burns, irritation, and excess time spent in a chair ONLY to wait 2 weeks for my processed hair to show some sign of life or have some body... well. Those things rank pretty low on the things that I enjoy. So here are 5 things that I would rather do than go through the process of getting a relaxer.
  • Seek and destroy those annoying single strand knots. Why? Because I can do that while watching a movie, drinking a glass of wine, eating popcorn, and baking cookies. OR I could focus on cutting my hair, get tired, and fall asleep before I'm finished. And my scalp would not be in danger because of it. This also works for deep conditioning.
  • Sweat. I would rather sit on the beach in the hot sun. I could play kickball. Barbecue. Even... exercise... without worrying about sweating out my perm. And I don't mean exercise all cutely with a resistance band. I would rather run than get a perm. I'm about to break a sweat just thinking of how much I would exercise to not get a relaxer. Yes, I know some people LOVE working out. I'm learning to love it more. But 75% of the time, this is my post workout face:

  • Watch a foreign movie with no subtitles. Yes. Give me Crouching Panda Lotus Tiger Kung-fu Blossom. With no fight scenes and no subtitles. I would watch it from start to finish. I would give 30 minutes of my life to that channel that's only on TV with the purpose of showing me what's on other channels. Besides... there are probably some interesting interviews or something on. Or I can imagine what other shows are about and plan what I'm going to watch in the next hour. 
  • Detangle my hair with two three sprays of water. I was about to say detangle my dry hair. But I am 4a and 4b hair. I am not about that life. But considering I use at least a half bottle of water to get tangle free, you get the idea of the time I'd put into this instead of getting a perm.
  • Let random strangers touch my hair without asking. And I'm not just referring to the bottom of my twists. I would rather let strangers stick their hands in my afro ALL THE WAY TO THE SCALP. I'd let them move my twist-outs around and frizz up an awesome braid-out. And I would give it an hour without saying a word or even doing the matrix move. I can replace the oils that they rub off my strands. I can wash their germs from my scalp. I cannot wash relaxer out. I'm good. But after the time limit has elapsed It would be all matrix everything. I might call some friends for backup. My life would look something like this for a few days while I recover.

  • *Honorable Mention  Listen to my boyfriend snore. Yes. Snoring. I'd go through 1.5 hours of his house-shaking snoring. And this does not include doing sneaky things to wake him up. I would sit there and listen to the chainsaw that lives inside him. I'd even up the ante and endure 45 minutes of a stranger's house-shaking snores. Do you know what this means? Imagine sitting next to a stranger exhaling LOUD sleep-scented air through their mouth. And then imagine continually sitting there for an uninterrupted 45 minutes. Am I the only one who tries to time their inhales to avoid breathing another person's exhale? (I am?... oh.)
I'm done. As I sit through this list, I. I think I  I could go on and on of things I would rather torture myself with than getting a relaxer. But... It's your turn. What can you think of that you'd rather do than get your hair relaxed?
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